Get th' Scots doon!

Ah, the Scots language. To anyone unfamiliar with the dialect, it is a mangling of vowels, a slurring of consonants, and an almost French ability to leave the end off words, all said whilst lowering your voice and sounding as aggressive as possible. To the average American, it is incomprehensible. Or near enough. Remember Mike Myer's character "Fat Bastard"? And his caricatures in "My Wife is an Axe Murderer"? Compare that to the character on "Rab C Nesbitt", an unemployed ex-alcoholic from the back estates of Glasgow (or "Glasgae" as it's sometimes called).

But what is it that makes a language? A language, famously is "a dialect with an army". Ha ha. True, but these days, with linguists advocating for the recognition of different Englishes, for example, Hong Kong English, there is an ever-growing cry to recognise Scots as an actual variety of English, that than a mere local quirk.

The Scotsman newspaper often hosts letters and articles about Scots (the language), but today an article about an author releasing a book in Scots for a whole year before the book is released in English. A quote from the book, as given in the article:

WHIT wid ye dae if ye fund yersel face tae face wi a muckle lion? Staund as still as a stookie? Mak yer feet yer freens and rin? Creep awa quiet-like? Mibbe ye wid jist steek yer een and hope that ye were haein a dream – which is whit Obed did at first when he saw the frichtsome lion starin strecht at him.

Translation (of my best guess):

What would you do if you found yourself face to face with a "muckle" lion? Stand as still as a "stookie"? Make your feet your friends and run? Creep away quietly? Maybe you would just "steek yer een" (rub your eyes?) and hope that you were having a dream -- which is what Obed did at first when he saw the fightsome lion staring straight at him.

 Want some more Scots fun?

The Bible in Scots:

  7. Than, Herod, convenin the Wyss Men privately, faund oot mair strickly o' the comin o' the starn ;

    8. And bad them gang to Bethlehem ; and quo' he, "Gang, and seek ye oot the wee bairn ; and whan ye ken, fesh me word again, that I as weel may come and worship."

(Mathew Chaipter Twa, verses 7 til 8 frae 'The Four Gospels in Braid Scots' - Rev William W Smith)

 Or perhaps a translator:

Your translation (from woohoo) is:
Ah, th' scots leid. tae anyain unfamiliar wi' th' dialect, it is a manglin' ay vowels, a slurrin' ay consonants, an' an almost french ability tae lae th' end aff words, aw said whilst lowerin' yer voice an' soondin' as aggressife as possible. tae th' average american, it is incomprehensible. ur near enaw.

Or read Scots straight from the source (the horse's mouth as it were), on Bebo, the social networking site popular among the working and underclasses of Scotland. Some excellent samples are found on the Glasgow Rangers page:

 Boyd is SHITE......you wee deluded hun......
King of scoring wee SHITTY goals you mean.....

Nae bother greg. goodnyt n godbless yous fuckin huns go on

Or the rival Glasgow Celtics Page:

YOUS HUV WON MARE TITLES THIN US COS YEESE WUR MADE ABOOT 16 YER BEFORE US UR SUM FUKIN HING YA DIRTY WEE HUN BASTERD

Or a comment on the somewhat satirical Glasgow Neds page:

haha loveittt neds are the fuckin best , hilarous m8 ! specially glesga wans but i think yeez are a bunch ae goons fur makin a group boot it ?

Is there a cohesiveness to it? Does the use reflect the academic dictionaries? Or is the bulk of it the random phonetic scrawlings of a half-educated ape sitting at a computer? And is my knee-jerk reaction that this is primarily a class issue correct?